Unrefined, imperfect, unforced, stream of thought writing

10/10/2025

I've been working on a self-constitution--not in a metaphorical way, like a real drafted document that determines what I can do. It's mainly for fun, but I've found that it has actually been kind of helpful. If I pre-legislate rules for myself, I feel pushed to follow them. I don't make sharp and stupid decisions because I know I'd have to force them through bureaucracy first. I actually did this before, but I managed to find a constitutional loophole and effectively coup myself. This time, I added rigorous checks and balances to prevent that from occurring again. It's also a little bit of a political and creative writing exercise. Mainly, it's kind of a puzzle-solving thing where I have to draft a free and fair document while also avoiding the possibility of collapse. It also makes me write in a very formal and bureaucratic style, which is pretty fun. 

I've also been playing a lot of Blade and Sorcery. The reason I've been doing this is a mix of need for activity and the fact that I just love the game. I know playing VR isn't a work-out in and of itself, but it's far better than just laying down all day. I also play it for three hours straight and drink a LOT of water to make up for the fact that I get so hot under that headset. 

I do also go outside a fair bit, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it's just too humid out, and there are spiders crawling around everywhere. I like biking; any activity that lets me disassociate from the activity itself is great. I can bike for a little over an hour just listening to music. If I had access to a treadmill, I'd use it all day long. Technically, I work in a gym, but they forgot to give me a free membership because of course. 

10/09/2025

It's almost my birthday. I don't have much to say, really. I made this journal page because I wanted to pair it with the photos page. I guess one thing that happened recently was that I re-applied to a college. They accepted me, but they had already done so before, so it wasn't much of a surprise. I couldn't afford it prior, so I decided to take a year off to save money. In one of the strangest--and perhaps luckiest--moments of my life, my grandmother offered to cover the entire college bill. I come from a lower middle-class family, and I had already expected college to either be a hurtle or an impossibility. It felt wrong to accept this money, but of course I did. I was at an incredible low: thinking that my life was degrading before my eyes, my dreams impossible. I had begun to accept it. 

I don't feel like I did anything to earn this gift. I have friends who earned scholarships to get into college, friends who still can't pay to enter college, and friends who had to take out student loans. They have worked and bled more than me, and yet I get the free pass. 

I don't even know I want to do in college yet (despite having already applied for Computer Science two years in a row). When I was younger, I wanted so badly to be a writer; I wanted so badly to be film-maker; I wanted to be so much--not a computer programmer. I kind of enjoy it, don't get me wrong, but it definitely was a "safety pick." I'm so scared. 

I almost picked Journalism. That would have been quite the switch-up. I didn't though...

On a separate note, I kind of wanted to bring up something funny. I worked for about a year in an after-school daycare. It was great in the first half, but the second half was brutal. The kids just got worse. Now, I work as a front-desk employee at the YCMA. We have a day-care there, and sometimes the employees who work there look at me and talk about how it's so awful working at a daycare. THEY HAVE LIKE THREE KIDS THERE AT ANY GIVEN TIME! They work for like 3 hours a day. Now try managing 30 kids for 4 hours straight. I get it, obviously. I just kind of find it funny.